| Well fuck |
[Jun. 30th, 2007|12:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
Breaking Benjamin - Evil Angel Lyrics
Hold it together, birds of a feather,
Nothing but lies and crooked wings.
I have the answer, spreading the cancer, you are the faith inside me.
No, don't leave me to die here, help me survive here.
Alone, don't remember, remember.
[Chorus]
Put me to sleep evil angel.
Open your wings evil angel.
I'm a believer, nothing could be worse, all these imaginary friends.
Hiding betrayal, driving the nail, hoping to find a savior.
No, don't leave me to die here, help me survive here.
Alone, don't surrender, surrender.
[Chorus]
Put me to sleep evil angel.
Open your wings evil angel.
Fly over me evil angel.
Why can't I breathe evil angel?
It may fall apart, I may have ruined it all. can I salvage anything? Am I over reacting? Maybe, I feel sick inside, hurt, I may have done what I swore not to do ever again. Maybe I am a monster or close to it. I won't know till later. If anyone reads this today, I'll update later tonight.
that is all... |
|
|
| Long Time |
[Apr. 5th, 2007|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
It's been a while since I have posted in this. Most of my posts here have been filled with anger and sadness. I'm sure if you look carefully you might find one good one but I honestly can not remember. I should start by saying that I am more happy than I have been in a long time but I cant help but wonder if it is mutual. "Are you ok?" "Whats wrong?" "Is everything alright?" I ask, but I only get "I don't know" "Nothing". Am I worried? Yes and no. I think back to what has been said to me and yes I am worried but things I see also tend to say, "Don't worry." Looking through my stuff from early highschool/middle school. I found an old journal with poems. I honestly cant remember if I wrote them, they mean something though but should you keep reading, you will see what was writen. If you know, please tell me.
Dying Art:
Adding to the pain
I won't scream out anymore
sit in silence
while we bleed
students to the hate
feel the sting to cure the greed
accept it all
as part of you
there are lessons to be learned
for those who see past all the pain
do we have sight or are we blind
is there anything to be gained
I feel so empty
and yet I am so full
A vast void
Of hollow lies
I cant read the script
oh, we never follow fate
create our own
world of hate
Brother not making up past mistakes
not now
and I've been crying out to the world
be with me, I call
I don't want to
die alone at all
So when it is all gone
cleaned of sin and purged of hate
will our memory still remain
Will the cycle turn
again tearing down
towers so tall
will our voice be heard.
Soul Box:
I'll take you where you want to go
the eternal longing to be there
makes you want to go with me
I'll give you everything you want
never having, allways wishing
forces you to answer positively
I'll let you do what you've wanted
curiosity and mere confusion
allow you to agree to do so
I will make you all you wish to be
uncertainty and loneliness
draws you into my path
I will break all you ever were
sheer anger and retribution
will simply make it so
I will put your soul into my little box
my net around your form
my web around your mind
my snare around your senses
my box around your soul
You were never your own
you were never your own
you were never your own
you were never your own.... |
|
|
| August 25 2006 |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|10:43 am] |
|
As of monday after I finish a very long physical, I will officially be in the ARMY. 9 weeks of training begins August 25 2006 and after that there will be 14 weeks of specialized training to become Military Police. |
|
|
| Long time |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|01:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
Its been a while since I posted anything. So first off, I love and hate my job. Enough said. Over the past few weeks I have been pushing people away, almost everyone. I don't know what I want anymore. I know I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to have the problems I have right now. I want to be able to go out and have fun, I miss fun. I want to be social, strangly I miss social. I miss people. I fucked up again. Hiding is working a little but not enough to help. Things keep happening where I am running out of money because of bills. Damn bills. I'm tired and sore and after this week it may be worse but I don't know. I need a break from everything. So this is my cry for help, I need to have fun, forget my problems, do something. If anyone still can, call me maybe? |
|
|
| Come and Gone |
[May. 15th, 2006|03:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I think last night I slept better than I have in a while. I was smiling when I went to sleep, I was smiling when I woke up. Left for work and was still smiling. I could feel again. It was shaping up to be a great day. I was going to work, come home, and call someone who made me smile last night, someone who finally broke the chains and let me sleep. I got a call when I got to work. He's gone, 3:23 am. Heart failure, not even a year. I thought I could discard that part of my life, let it go. I thought it was for the best, easyer on him not to have two but one. I didn't think the connection could be so strong and could be severed so strongly. Part of me has died, gone forever. Never got to see him, meet him, hold him. Now just pain and regret. I thought I could turn away, seems like I was wrong. Now the world comes crashing down. I've lost friends, grandparents, great grandparents, loved ones, nothing has ever felt like this, nothing. What now? I feel lost...
Nick |
|
|
| He won't read this |
[May. 12th, 2006|10:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Back off Renner. You get any closer to her and so help me I will tear you apart. I know what you've done in the past, I know your thought process. Take you greasy hear and nasty complexion and stay away. No man goes on a two hour drive at 10:30 at night just to hang out for a while, especially if there is booze and a good looking girl involved. Stay off ass hat. |
|
|
| In the mail |
[May. 4th, 2006|11:24 pm] |
Dear Nicholas A Brewer:
As authorized by Federal Law, we applied all or part of your federal payment to a debt you owe.
The government agency or agencies are listed below.
CHILD SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT
AMOUNT: $585.00
AMOUNT REMAINING: $585.00
The agency has previously sent a notice to you at the last know address for you known to the agency. Explaining the amount and reson for the payment.
BULLSHIT! I got no call, no letter, not a fucking thing! They took ALL of my tax return! I now have no money for baycon! I'm done with this shit. I am a hair spread from finding the mother of my child and breaking her nose just so I can claim history of violence and sign off my legal rights. Child support is complete bullshit! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! |
|
|
| Update |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|03:06 pm] |
|
Ok so it looks like people took my last post TOO seriously, I don't have a tumor. That was my half assed attempt at sarcasm. Anyway, I am going to BayCon, I got the weekend off so its 4 days of California vacation! |
|
|
| Doctors suck! |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|07:22 am] |
|
So, since the 12th of this month I have had a killer headache. when it gets really bad I get dizzy and sick. Yesterday I went to the doctor and got the results of all the blood work and other tests they did, its not Mono and its not strep. They checked a few more things and asked me more questions then prescribed MAJOR headache medicine ts like a mix of hevey asprin, caffieen, and pain killers, who could ask for more! The doctor said that he wasn't going to rule out the possibility of the begining of a malignant tumor chances are it can be treated with meds if its the begining of one but since it was NOT his field of expertise he was not going to make an asumptions.but that chronic hedaches are common in adults who had scoliosis as a child. He said that if they did not go away by next week its into the hospital for catscans amd an MRI. WOO FUN! but on a lighter note my Lithium levels have droped so I may be getting over the after affects of the Lithium I took when I was younger. Someone said they would call me later yesterday, no call. oh well, its off to work with me. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
nurgleboy's journal